Diary of a limerent.

She didn't call, I was already afraid of it. I saw it coming, I think I've looked at my phone every minute but the light 'missed incoming call' remains off. I wish I could send the phone. I feel gloomy, I had hoped today would be fun, I intended to make something fun of it, finally, apart from her. I notice that it doesn't work. The fact that she doesn't call makes me sad, why doesn't she think I'm good enough? Shall I call her? Is that desperate? I don't want to seem desperate, no more than I already have, I've tried everything to hide, the intensity of my feelings the huge obsession, my crazy, I don't want to scare her off. But there's only so much you can hide, she must have heard the panic in my voice, the shaking, and even worse she must have noticed how I adjust to her. I listen to her music, I pretend I have the same interests, I suddenly have them too, even crazier. I get that she doesn't want to, I can't even get close to her, it feels like she's raging five feet above me and looking down at me, all I can do is bow my head, be merciful.

Sometimes I want to bang my head against the wall, how much can you think of a human being? Every second of every day my head is occupied. Always, even when distracted, she continues to watch in the background. I haven't looked at Facebook for a long time, as soon as I see a picture of her I get completely upset. My body goes into a stress response, I panic, who is she with? I get heart palpitations and my stomach turns, that won't be eating again today. I realize again the extent of my imprisonment, this has been going on for months, I can't take it anymore. I lie down on the couch, I want to cry, scream everything out again, in a pillow if necessary, for the thousandth time. What will she be doing, must be something fantastic. I wish I was as interesting, I wish I could own her, I want redemption. Salvation is in contact, I know that, it doesn't matter what kind of contact, just a connection, just a moment of rest. That's what I want, I want peace. I start crying, I can't stop anymore, I start crying uncontrollably, if only I could cry it out. I feel like I'm falling, I'm falling without a bottom, I'm dying, I'm dying without her "stop" I shout to no one.

G.