Fenna van den Berg Coaching

Personal coach

Burnoutbehandeling / preventie


Limerence, we don't let go, we bargain.

Limerence, we don't let go, we bargain.

We will not let go, we will negotiate extensively..

Negotiate: If only I could accept that the other person just doesn't want a relationship.If we could just be friends, that would be nice. If I go to therapy I might be able to relate to the other person Maybe the other needs therapy.  Maybe I can contact them again in a while and things will be better. Maybe I just shouldn't be so difficult. Maybe I should just turn off all my needs and deal with the crumbs of affection. Maybe I should travel the world so as not to feel my sadness. Maybe I call the other my soulmate so that I have an excuse to suffer for this. Maybe next time it will be different. Maybe Maybe Maybe. ...

Yes, we've tried that, and many limerents befor you, so it doesn't work. We bend over backwards, put our needs aside so as not to feel and not to let go. Because letting go feels like dying. What we especially don't do is the following:" I've tried for a while with this person but it doesn't work, I especially feel pain in this relationship, so I'm going to make the decision to say goodbye, I thank them for what was there and I go my own way, I take the time to be sad and to feel the grief and I close the chapter with this person once and for all. The other couldn't meet my needs so the other is not a suitable person for me." Point.

How healthy would that be!!!????? No, we limerents prefer a way to keep the other with us, we just accept that we are half dying of the pain. Hm.. that sounds a bit strange. What we feel is no proof that the other is a suitable partner! What we feel is a nervous system experiencing stress and panic. So we have to work on that, not just negotiating to keep an unhealthy person in our lives (no matter how nice the other person can be). You can learn to let go.